I'm sorry ~

First of all ~ I'm sorry about the anger in my previous entry.

Serenity is something very hard to find in this day and age. I am attempting to practice it, trying to pull it into my heart. Finding love for everyone at times is very hard also ~ even for those that would ridicule me and others of my beliefs. Having Hope in this day and age can be evasive also...but I'm trying.

Sometimes though, sometimes, I have to let it all out. Or some of it anyway. Hence the previous entry. What I wrote was just a tip of the iceberg as the old saying goes. The rest I try to bury. I think that's some of why I don't write as much as I'd like. Another old saying ~ if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all ~ I guess that sticks in my mind more than I ever thought it would.

Love is such a all encompassing thing, it can heal ANYTHING or ANYONE. To find one's center and embrace who one is, is a very liberating thing also. Me? I have no blinders on about what my faults are or anything else. I know I have them, as do we all in one aspect or another.

I was asked by a friend a long time ago what I looked for in and of my life, My answer to that was "Peace" (that word including Serenity) within MYSELF, "Someone who loved me for who I was and wouldn't try to change me too much or at all" and "for people to get along despite each other's differences".

We've all felt that we've been failed, betrayed, let down by others in our lives. I have ~ over and over and over again. At times I wonder if this has to do with what expectations I have of other people or it's merely fate. Other times I wonder exactly what is fate? is it something that is written for us by the higher powers? or is it something that we create ourselves? To get over that stigmatic feeling of loss when things don't go how we would like them to is a hard thing. It's like a etching that's cast in stone sometimes and that easy to eradicate or erase.
It would be wonderful if at the ending of those said times we couldn't just take out a magic "spiritual wound" eraser and wipe it all out and begin anew with the innocence of a babe. It just doesn't happen that way though and we each have to find a way to deal with it. You can't answer violence or hate with the same as some people do. You can't react to someone else's ignorance with the same because when you do, you are no better than they. You paint yourself with the same brush, maybe fresh paint but the old crud is still buried within the bristles and therefore transfers to you.
Only I can be responsible for "me". yes, there have been things done to me in the past that would make others if they knew wonder why I have a sane thought in my head anymore. But I do... I am good, I am strong, very strong...and I've learned to bend like a willow tree in a storm. I get a cracked branch and a bruise occasionally, yes they stay with me, but I try so very hard not to let those pains rule me. I just don't always succeed. Sometimes I fail very badly.

Things that are loving to me ~ the way Cindy sometimes looks at me, she looks at me with this glow in her eyes and a quietness that is pure love (sometimes she looks at me like she doesn't like me very much too), When Lares and Draco look at their "2nd" Mama with love and utter trust. (they want their treat and know how to play me). I miss so very much Heathen...he would look at me with utter love in his eyes, he would lick and groom my forehead and hair and purr his beautiful head off. Do you know that (I think I've mentioned this before) whenever I leave the house I say..."Heathen? Mama's going to be gone for a little while, please watch over our home and your brothers and sister, I love you and I miss you with all my heart" every single time I leave this house I say that. Cindy probably thinks I'm an idiot for doing it so I don't say it outloud as much when we leave the house together, but when I'm alone I say it aloud each and every time. When I get home? I say "Heathen Baby, I'm back ~ go back to chasing your butterflies or laying in the sun, it's ok"

That sounds crazy maybe, but it's part of who I am.

One of my favorite things to do is to sit outside under the carport or even in the yard when a storm is blowing in ~ the wind will be whipping, the smell of ozone in the air from the approaching rain...the utter power, the stillness that is there underneath it all just "waiting" for the break. That storm is so peaceful to me and it makes my spirit wings utterly soar.

I wish for all of you today ~ happiness, love, joy, peace. Any or all ~ even to those that may read this and don't believe as I do in the Goddess in all her beautiful manifestations. She doesn't hate you. I try not to.