I wonder if ~

I wonder ~ if I had born a child if I would have made a good mother? For some reason I doubt it. I've never really had any desire to have a child, don't know if it's because of my sexuality or what. What I DO remember and KNOW is that when I was six and my mother was getting married for the 3rd time ~ that I told her and anyone who would listen that I'd never marry and I'd never have kids. Is that strange? or is it normal? I don't know.
It seems as I get older I think about those things more. The "what if's" are coming more often, that scares me in and of itself. Most people that truly know me tell me that I would have made a great mother, yet I deep down truly doubt it ~ whether it has something to do with the abuse I went through as a child and that changing my mentality about motherhood or if it was just something that WAS. Does that make sense? Heck it only makes sense to me sometimes.

I've been eyeballing the classified's here and the largest field that requires people is the medical one. I have office skills ~ but I don't know the "lingo"
it takes to describe them LOL. I type, I file etc. etc. awnser switchboards, I'm not sure how fast I type anymore. Heck when I first started typing Computers in every household let alone office were no where in the horizon! I started learning on a manual typewriter, the old kind of "copy" machines where it used the drum thingy and you hand cranked it? you had to use a kind of stencil that you typed on or drew on - you attached that to the drum and either turned it on automatic (had to make sure the fluid was full! I remember I loved that smell) or you hand turned it. Then I went from the manual to a electric one. I learned the computer on my own for the exception of a very short course on computers. I can use the adding machine, but after I haven't used one in a while it would take me a bit of time to get my speed up on that one also. I'm nervous. About the whole thing. I'm moving or will be, out of my comfort zone and into something I don't really know anymore.

I'm working 5 days this week, the past few weeks I've worked only 4 because they cut back on scheduling people. Guess what? people are leaving right and left (quitting) because they don't want to deal with the garbage and know they can get better other places. Unlike me, because of some DISPLACED sense of loyalty...have stayed. It's not only the loyalty, it's the fact I'm older and quite a few dining places only want young faces or decent bodies to go with them. Doesn't matter I've got more experience in my little finger than the young one's do in their whole bodies. It will be what it will be though. I just know it's affecting my pocketbook (and by that therein it affect's C's pocketbook too) and I'm tired of being (excuse this term please) screwed over.

SO, I'm going to work today - first I'm taking my trusty Klonopin (for my stress & panic issues) and I'm going to remain quiet and calm throughout my shift, I'm going to smile and nod and deal with the guests, block out the fools and take myself home afterwards. Nice little woman aren't I? Not. So very NOT.

Have a great day.